Death to Spoof Movies

So...I finally watched a movie I have been anticipating for quite some time. First off, let me explain my intense love and fascination for everything "superhero". Maybe I'm a geek that way but I love movies about superheros. The X-Men movies and the Batman movies (old and new) are great. Yeah, the Spiderman movies were kind of duds in my opinion but it doesn't deter me from fully anticipating the next big new superhero movie. This included THE "Superhero Movie". Yay, I thought, making fun of superheros! Fun! Funny! Yay!

We didn't see it in the theater... Sad! ...I was eagerly waiting for it's transfer to DVD format when Justin informed me they wouldn't be getting it in at Hollywood Video... Dreams dashed again! And then they were getting it at Hollywood Video! I forgive you for aforementioned dashed dreams!

We rented it. Then we began watching. Suddenly, without warning, we were accosted with gaudy sexual inuendos, atrocious slapstick "humor," and the main focus of the movie: Spiderman. (As I said, Spiderman is the last superhero we need more movies about in this world.) What a disappointment!! I couldn't believe how much my face hurt from NOT LAUGHING. Really.

So, I decided that if someone really funny would go to Hollywood and actually make a funny, witty spoof, they would make so much money and it would be awesome. Every spoof I've ever attempted to watch were the same, no matter the topic: disgusting humor and people getting hurt. You know, running into things and such. It could be so much better. I think it would be kinda easy, too. There's not much competition out there for funny spoof movies. Maybe I'll be the one to do it! That's it, I'll be the pioneer for a new spoof movie! A spoof movie for the intellectual! Until then, death to all spoof movies.


This is the opinion of Jesse Kay Betts and does in no way represent the views or opinions of the World Wide Web, including but not limited to, justinandjesse.blogspot.com and their loyal readers of whom Jesse is not trying to offend by insistently and, with no regard for anyone else, brashly bash spoof movies.

The Movie Collection Embarkment of 2008: The Slums of Beverly Hills

The Slums of Beverly Hills

made in 1998

rated R

Jesse: Hmm...what to say about this movie. It's very funny, but it makes me uncomfortable at the same time. This is a movie that I would be embarassed to watch with anyone but Justin; not knowing how different people would react to said humor. But, the main character, Vivian Abromowitz's, relationship with the drug-dealing Eliot Arenson is hilarious. And it makes me really appreciate that my family doesn't make incredibly inappropriate comments about my breasts. So, lastly, if you love Marisa Tomei like I do, it's a good one to catch. ***

Justin: This is one of those movies that I have a hard time properly conveying my opinion. It is really funny, the writing is good, the acting is good, and it's not slow, so I feel like I should like this movie more than I do. I can't quite put my finger on it....but with all that nothing being said, it is really funny, Marisa Tomei and Alan Arkin are a great comedy team. I do especially love how they tackle taboo issues, especially for a movie set in the '70's. Overall, funny but not a lot of replay value. ***

Elder Michael

Jesse, here. Just thought I'd say a word on my little bro, Michael. He is on a mission in France right this minute. I miss him, he's the coolest bro ever, and he recently sent me a hilariously cute email. Enjoy:

hey Jess! How are you doing? I didn't forget about you.. it's just been a little crazy the last little while. I just want you to know that I love you, and I didn't mean to like shoot down your hopes i just want you to be happy...but be smart.. (not saying you aren't smart....) that didn't come out how I wanted it to. oh well. love ya. -Elder Laws

What he's referring to is the fact that he pointed out it would be crazy for me, at this time, to quit working on my Creative Writing degree to become a Veterinarian. And he was right. :)

The Dark Knight

...........Those little dots are the only words i can find for this movie. Where do i begin? Where batman begins?? Ok dumb joke. Seriously though, this movie teaters on the line of brilliant. Then with the opening scene it smashes through that line and makes a hard right to awesomeville. Population 2. Ok, seriously though again, this film is so brilliantly filmed, written, and acted by heath ledger. Heath Ledger's joker is the greatest on screen villian i have ever seen. To still a word from Bryan, i have never seen a villian that sinister and evil. His character just dominates the screen, and when his scenes would end, i would find myself completely in awe, and never wanting him to leave the screen. A lot of people confuse him for funny. And granted some of the things he says are funny, if you really think about what he is saying, you realize how completely evil he is and it makes it all very haunting. His character actually scared me. My favorite line in the entire movie was when one of the mobsters called the joker insane, or maybe it was crazy....it doesn't matter and then the joker said, "No, i'm not. I'm not." His delivery on those lines were so chilling you could actually feel everybody in the theater get uncomfortable. If he doesn't win the oscar for best supporting actor it will be the greatest tragedy in cinematic history....and yes i do believe that. I think they should give him the best actor oscar, but they won't because he doesn't have enough screen time. This film is just more than Heath Ledger's performance though. Not only is it the best picture of the year by miles and miles, but it is the best film i have seen since No Country for Old Men. Speaking of No Country you can definitely draw lines between the Joker and Anton Chigurh. I don't know how to spell his name. Both are very mysterious in where the originate from and they believe in chaos and madness, and everybody that crosses them feels their wrath. There are two shots in this film that absolutely blow my mind. The shot of the Joker in the police car, after he breaks out of the jail (i love how they eliminated sound completely) and the shot of the joker after batman dodges him on the batpod. The camera shoots him from the ground looking up, it is absolutely beautiful. Now to my theory on two face. I do not believe two face died. this is why. When they started the batman franchise, Christian (I apparently beat up women) Bale signed on for three batman movies, and Christopher Nolan only signed on for two. I can't imagine Christopher Nolan not coming back for the third one, but if he doesn't i think they ended the movie the way they did, so that whoever does the third one can use whatever villian he chooses and doesn't have to continue Mr. Nolan's storyline. But i do believe he will return, so two face will as well. Commissioner Gordon is going to save Harvey Dent's good reputation and then it is going to come back and bite him big in the final installment. The only problem i have with the movie is Bale's "batman voice"......that has got to go.
----Justin

The Movie Collection Embarkment of 2008: The Weather Man

The Weather Man

made in 2005

rated R

Justin: This film is fantastic. Despite all the obvious product placement (which there is so much it's almost just a two hour ad, for Wendy's, Arby's, McDonalds and so on). This movie is hilarious. Nicoloas Cage's character, for me, is such a loveable idiot. He tries so hard, yet never gets passed what he wants for his family and never actually gets to what they want. So much hilarity in this movie, I might throw up. ****

Jesse: I tried watching this movie once and wasn't too impressed, I must admit. It's so sad, and I hated the Weather Man so much that I couldn't finish the movie. But, this time around, I loved it. The humor is my favorite kind, subtle and dry. This time I didn't hate Nicholas Cage's character, David Spritz, I felt really bad for him. He's unbelievably lonely, and he has no idea how to deal with it. True, he handles it in all the wrong ways, and says and does all the wrong things, but this time around, I really sympathized with him. I also finished the movie this time and the ending totally redeems the rest of it for me. *****

The Movie Collection Embarkment of 2008: The Crow

The Crow

made in 1994

rated R

Jesse: I give The Crow *** only because Brandon Lee is the redeeming factor in this movie for me. The plot's okay and his character is interesting, but he takes everything to the next level, with no help from the rest of the cast. Some of the so-called "bad guys" were laughable at best. I'm a big fan of the anti-hero, and Lee portrays it well.

Justin: Although this movie is not as great to me as it once was, i still thoroughly enjoy it. Despite all the bad acting, and bad writing, Brandon Lee makes a cool character come to life. He is the one reason to watch the movie and for me that is enough. **** for me.

A little clarification

Recently it occured to me that sometimes it's ambiguous which one of us (Justin, Jesse) posts particular posts. (Thanks, Nic!) From now on, we will try to sign our own posts. This is Jesse, by the way. I work at the Comfort Inn and just got a promotion, and Justin works at Hollywood Video and just got a promotion. Yea, us!

Livin la vida loca eh...las vegas. I don't know spanish.

Justin and I just got back from steamy Las Vegas. We spent three lovely days, and here are the much sought-after details. We're donating the procedes to charity.

Justin and I spent our time in Vegas watching TV and making several trips to the ice machine to keep our 12-pack of Sunkist cold. That's right, no mini-fridge like anticipated. Instead, we stuck the soda in one of those tiny hotel trashcans and then covered and surrounded it with ice. We ended up emptying the entire ice machine...seriously, it needed time to make more ice.

The only other times we stepped out of the hotel room was 1. to track down a new TV Guide which is quite hard and which we ended up failing at, and 2. to eat at the Sahara Hotel & Casino's crappy buffet. However, if you like pork ribs and weird desserts, I recommend it to you.

It was a perfectly quirky and relaxing time, however, I don't think we're taking our next vacation in Vegas. I don't want to feel like I'm going to get shot in a drive-by at the gas station ever again.

O John Where Art Thou?

There are many things in this world i don't understand; gas prices, currency, why animals lick their butts instead of wiping it on the grass, and John C. Reilly. This last one actually baffles me the most. This is a guy who is such a talented actor, and has been in so many great movies, and now in the past couple of years, he has apparently decided to just flush his career and credibility as an actor down the toilet. It all started a couple of years ago when he decided to co-star in the mind-numbing talledega nights with the very un-funny and highly obnoxious will "i'm not funny" ferrell. I don't know what happened on that set but something got set into his brain that being un-funny and utterly retarded was the way to take his career. So then he decided that he was going to make the ever so wonderful 'Walk Hard' movie. Don't even get me started on that crap. Easily one of the worst movies of the year. But what sparked this entire outrage in my brain was the new movie Step-brothers. Why is he flushing his career down the toilet like this?! I have decided it's because he was doing character roles in so many good movies he got tired of not being noticed. Apparently being really good and being noticed by people who appreciate fine acting isn't as good as being noticed, and regarded as obnoxious by everybody. I guess we could just ask will ferrell. Not only does this "movie" not look funny and annoying, but it just goes to show once again that will ferrell can get on the screen, act like he is 12, and everybody will continue to think its funny. Not only are all of his movies the same and just packaged differently, but HE IS NOT FUNNY. All his jokes are the same, all his movies are the same, and now he is taking down a great actor with him. One day, i hope we get our beloved talented supporting actor back.

Another weird picture of Justin, for no reason whatsoever.

A little late, but, hey.

I want to introduce you all to my new niece:

Jolie Madsen

Why being the supervisor of the continental breakfast at the Comfort Inn isn't as exciting as I make it out to sound...

Let's just say working in a suffocatingly hot enviornment, making disgusting greasy food for people to hoover-eat, and then cleaning up after those ungrateful people, is bad enough. Now I get to do all that, PLUS, I get to guess how busy we're going to be and how much food we will need (I'm not clairvoyant...wish I was), put in orders to companies that don't want to send it because the owners haven't paid them in months, find a place for all that food in our insanely inadequate and tiny kitchen, make the schedule when I don't know how many people I'm going to need there because, again, not psychic, hire train and fire people who aren't as dedicated and flexible as me...or maybe they're just smart, deal with broken juice machines and people who feel really really entitled to juice for breakfast and get really really mad when they don't get it, and lastly, I get to deal with the freaking laundry lady that cooks her "Indian Tea" on my stove every morning and likes to tell my workers she's the owner of the hotel.

I have another announcement to make

I was just made the supervisor of the continental breakfast at the Comfort Inn! Go me.

The Movie Collection Embarkment of 2008: I, Robot

I, Robot

made in 2004

Rated PG-13

Jesse: I give I, Robot *** because although I enjoy it very much, it doesn't have a lot of replay value. Not one of those movies I can watch every day and still be excited and surprised by the action sequences. Worst move ever: the character "Farber" played by Shia LaBeouf, not just because I hate Shia LaBeouf, either. What is the point of this character and why did they pick this geeky disney channel kid to play the swearing, lewd, "gangsta" wanna-be character?? If anyone figures it out, let me know. Best move: Will Smith as Del Spooner (so did not know that was his name in the movie, thanks imdb.com!) He is perfect as the buff, sarcastic, one-man-against-the-world, guy. Hence his body of work: Independance Day, Men in Black, I am Legend, Hancock, etc. What he does, he does well.

Justin: For me, Will Smith is the only reason to watch this movie, and even his acting seems a bit egomaniacal. The movie is fun even if completely unrealistic. I think the studio execs just thought up an idea of how they can exploit the body of Will Smith and make tons of money off it. He poses and struts through the entire thing. The shot in the shower, c'mon, are you kidding me with that? I swear the entire movie is made up of shots of Mr. Smith's body, and slow motion. Way too many slow motion shots, and way too much shia labeouf. I refuse to capitalize his name. It's ok, but truthfully, I liked it better the first time. Will Smith gets this movie it's third star. *** (reluctantly)

FYI

We have now added our "Bucket Lists" link in the sidebar, and a link to our movie calendar in "The Movie Collection Embarkment of 2008" link in the sidebar so if anyone wants to, they can watch the movies we're watching! Oh, and we decided to watch 2 movies a week so now it will only take us 3 years to watch them all. (That is, unless we buy more movies between now and then, which is very possible and most likely, going to happen.)

Why We'll Never Eat at Chili's Again

We finally got our date last night, having been paid recently. Dinner and a movie. We absolutely love the Mesquite BBQ Sirloin and mashed potatos with black pepper gravy. It is so good that it's worth going to Chili's to get it. Chili's (at least in Cedar City) has the worst service and atmosphere in the world. Outrageously so. Every time we eat there, I vow to never never return. It takes the waiters 20 minutes to bring you a box. 20 minutes to bring you the check. 20 minutes to take your order. It is dark and dim and they seat everyone too close together. They usually make us sit at these tiny two-person tables that have so much stuff on them, (20 coasters, fat menus that stay on the table, salt/pepper, etc.) there's hardly room to reach across and hold hands (which we tend to do when we can't sit on the same side). I hate eating at Chili's. But their food is so good. Dilemma. We've recently been contemplating getting their food to go from now on.

But, last night, we broke down and went. (I think they put a chemical in that steak that makes you crave it fort-nightly!) We went in, were rudely seated, rudely treated and...what?? What's this?? Where is my Mesquite BBQ Sirloin?? Where is the only reason we came here in the first place?? That's right, they took it OFF the MENU. That's it, that's the kicker. That is why we will never eat there ever again, and why you shouldn't either.

The Movie Collection Embarkment of 2008: 12 Angry Men

12 Angry Men

made in 1957

not rated

Justin: 12 Angry Men is the perfect example to show that films aren't made like they used to be. If some executive today approached a writer and said, "I want an entire movie to take place in one room and it has to be compelling, and interesting and not forever and two days long," would this writer succeed? Not a chance. 12 Angry Men is so well written that you can't believe they can make such a brilliant movie without ever having to change the scenery or the characters. It works so well that by the time the movie is over, it feels like it just started. I can't find enough words to describe how fantastic this film really is. Everybody should watch this movie, I can't imagine somebody being disappointed. 5 large stars.

Jesse: What sustains a movie that takes place almost entirely in one room? Only the genius writing. No naked women or fiery explosions, just suspense-building wit. An intricate plot unravels through 12 distinctly round "angry" characters and their often volatile conversations. Henry Fonda is one of the most interesting and accomplished actors and in 12 Angry Men he plays one of the most interesting characters. Quiet and calculating in the beginning, he soon reveals his intelligence and strength. ***** They don't make movies like this one anymore.

"Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday."

5 Reasons Why Being Married Sucks!

1. Your cost of living doubles.

2. You're no longer included on your parents very nice health insurance coverage.

3. Everyone bugs you to start having babies.

4. One of you has to learn how to cook.

5. Someone is always there.

5 Reasons Why Being Married Rocks!

1. Your income doubles!

2. You can get insurance when you're old and actually need it.

3. You and your spouse can decide not to have babies for as long as you want, no matter how much they beg for more grandkids.

4. You can eat out every night!

5. Someone's always there!

I have an announcement to make.

After 1 year, 2 months, and 11 days, and six hours, and six minutes, I finally got my name changed officially with the government. (I've been a Betts in my heart.) I was going to post proof (pictures of my new Social Security Card and Driver's License) but that didn't seem too safe, so you'll just have to take my word. :) Farewell, Jesse Kay Laws, you no longer exist.

The Movie Collection Embarkment of 2008: Anastasia

Anastasia

made in 1997

rated G

Jesse: Dimitri was the first cartoon character that I fell in love with. It was only later I realized it is John Cusack's sexy voice. All the better. Favorite scene: When Bartok returns the gift from the dark forces to Rasputin in Limbo. Rasputin sings In the Dark of the Night with multi-colored bugs, while various body parts fall off. Very creepy, lots of green (which means evil). I give this movie ****.

Justin: I don't know why I had never seen this movie before. It is very funny and contains the very funny John Cusack. If I were gay (which I am not by the way, I promise) I would fall in love with him, too. He is so funny in all his movies. Especially Better Off Dead and Say Anything and High Fidelity. Oh yeah, Anastasia was good too. The movie works because every time Dimitri isn't on screen, Bartok is. Those two make a great formula for a great cartoon. I give this movie 4 big stars (out of 5).

The Movie Collection Embarkment of 2008

Dear Family, Friends, Random readers of this blog:
Justin and I are embarking on an immense task. We decided it was time to show our movie collection the appreciation it deserves, and watch it. All of it. Those of you who know us best will realize the magnitude of this endeavor without explanation. For those of you who don't know us very well, we have a buttload of movies and it's going to take freaking forever to watch them all, especially since we are only watching one a week. Then we are going to post our reviews, and a rating of stars, on this here blog. (note that sequels, prequels, sets, and trilogies will all be watched in the same week, but will be reviewed separately for their individual value and posted all together. We keep it nice and tidy.) Although most of the time our opinions correlate with each other, every once in a while we disagree, and that's when it gets fun. So, enjoy.

Star Rating System (just like Netflix):

* Hated It
** Didn't Like It
*** Liked It
**** Really Liked It
***** Loved It

In my opinion, the best concert you can hope to attend

The best band in history, The Beatles, only played in Vegas one time. It was in the Sahara Theater in the Sahara Hotel & Casino. I was born in 1984, long after The Beatles had stopped being a band, but I swear I was there.

Justin and I get there way early, mostly because of his thing where he has to be, not only on time, but early everywhere. The doors aren’t even open yet. I impatiently squeeze his hand and drink most of the soda we are supposed to share. We study other fans that are milling as well, waiting to get inside and take their seats. We whisper to each about their funny outfits or expressions, not to be mean or cruel but just to enjoy their character and uniqueness.

Those two big blue doors finally open and we are the first ones inside. A single usher looks at our tickets and shows us to our seats, calmly asking everyone else in line to wait until he comes back. Justin and I watch people, from all walks of life, file in and sit down. Most stop off at the bar to get drinks. The drink glasses have lights in the bottom, which slowly cycles through colors. A light green melts into blue and blue melts into red. It makes the drinks psychedelic. Justin finishes the soda in the bottom of our plastic cup and lets go of my hand to set it on the concrete floor.

As the theater begins to fill, they play music over the speakers, most of which I’ve never heard before. I lean on Justin’s shoulder, listening to the melodies and trying to be patient. A woman sits beside me and she smells old, like mothballs and wet newspaper. She’s wearing a bright red flowered silk shirt, black capri jeans, and gold sandals. Her husband is heavy and balding. They are just as excited as we are. Her gold jewelry jangles as she reaches up to smooth her black hair back. Her husband leaves to get drinks.

“I bet we’re the youngest people in here,” Justin says in my ear. I look around.

“I think you’re right,” I whisper, but I notice excitement throbbing from everyone in the theater, even the old fogies.

There are Beatles facts scrolling across two huge screens on either side of the stage like, “The Beatles had 21 number 1 singles in the US and 17 in the UK,” and “Both the 1964 single Can’t Buy Me Love and the self-titled album in 1968 sold 2 million copies within the first week,” and “73 million viewers—approximately 40% of the US population at the time—tuned in to watch the Beatles perform at the Ed Sullivan Show on February 9, 1964.” Justin reads each one to me. We talk about the ones we already knew and the ones that are fresh news. There is anticipation buzzing over our heads. Overhead lights dim and the babble quiets a little. People start turning the lights on the bottom of their glasses off, making the venue slip slowly into darkness.

The curtain is still lowered when Ed Sullivan walks out on stage in front of it. The talking turns to whispers and then to silence. Ed is wearing a dark green suit and shiny black shoes. His hair is perfectly parted on one side and slicked down and back. He appears to be squinting out at us, his eyes tight but sparkling. His posture is distinctively him but it still looks awkward from where I’m sitting, about 15 rows back. His shoulders are hunched way up to his cheeks, making his neck disappear, like a dark green turtle waiting halfway in its shell. He nods to the audience with his entire upper body before speaking.

“I’d like to welcome you all to the show,” Ed says, his voice easily projected in the small theater venue, but show sounds like shew, “and we’ve got a great shew for you all tonight. The Beatles are here.” As Ed speaks, his body awkwardly shimmies a little, his shoulders swishing back and forth. He waits for the clapping to dispel, and then the curtain starts to rise and overwhelming sound emits from behind it.

Suddenly, I’m staring at my favorite band, The Beatles, like I never thought I would be able to. Ringo, George, Paul, and John. They’re all here and they immediately start singing Love Me Do. The audience is almost singing over Paul, as they sing along. I’m clinging to Justin, in awe. I glance at him for a second and his eyes are wide in surprise.

I love the young bowl haircuts and the nicely tailored matching suits. When the song ends, Paul leans into the microphone to welcome us all, “well, hello everybody, it’s really nice to see you all,” in the British accent that makes the girls swoon. His hair is thicker than the other Beatles, and it swoops back in curls.

George is playfully waving and smiling and nodding into the crowd, like he knows us personally. As he plays guitar in songs like 8 Days a Week and I Want to Hold Your Hand, he is constantly moving his feet in a light dancing motion; it’s like an automatic twitch.

Even later, when they come out on stage with long Jesus hair and they’re wearing multi-colored suits that look high, they are all still ubiquitously The Beatles. During Twist, they implore us all to get up and dance. I think I enjoy watching a white-haired old man in a brown suit sway stiffly back and forth in the row in front of us more than I enjoy twisting myself.

Next thing I know, we are all settling down for the sweet and sincere Yesterday, which Paul sings all alone, just him and his guitar. As I’m listening, I can’t believe the song was originally supposed to be titled Scrambled Eggs. The concert is blurring by, songs I’ve known and loved are suddenly alive with meaning.

I’m staring at The Beatles and yet, I know today is February 16, 2008. John Lennon was murdered on the street in 1980. George Harrison died of cancer in 2001. Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney are retired, their faces much older and lined now. That must mean I’m looking into the past.

I’m actually watching The Fab Four, four guys who have made a career out of impersonating The Beatles. They play here, the only venue The Beatles played at in Vegas, every night of the week. Justin and I stumble out of the Sahara Theater, still drunk on nostalgia.

But there’s that image that keeps coming back to me. It’s John Lennon, in a white suit with bell-bottom pants, sitting at a piano singing Imagine:

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one


And then, suddenly, breaking character for a minute, the Lennon impersonator stops playing. He talks about how John Lennon was his hero, and how he’s blessed to sing his songs. The audience is connected for those few moments. Streams of pure energy flow like electricity through us all.

When we get home late and cold we hurriedly slip into bed, and I can still feel it. The energy zipping through everyone in the room and the understanding about the songs seems crystal clear. Justin drapes his heavy arm over me and immediately slips into sleep, dreaming of John’s wild hair and purple glasses, hopefully.