Ok, so I have debated writing this blog since October but have never published it because it is offensive, tasteless, and immature. I have now decided to post it because I found a rough draft of it written in my notebook while I was not paying attention in class today. I thought it was absolutely hilarious, but then again I am 12. Anyway, who wants to learn about Taoism when they can read about my doctor visit. Really do not read this post if you don't want to be offended. It contains VERY strong sexual content and is represented in a very immature way. If you don't want to read about my nether region and the disturbing things that my brain processes then this is not for you. Really. This is bad. Consider yourself warned. Now you can't lower your opinion of me or be offended. It's your fault you read this.
The following is a blog about my privates.
All the way back in October Jesse and I were watching tv when I noticed that my manhood (more specifically, my little men...hood) was hurting. It was very sudden and very painful. It hurt to sit down, stand up, or walk around. Since they were talking about testicular cancer on tv I thought maybe I was having paranoid pains. So I let it slide for a few days. It continued to hurt quite badly so I called my folks. They told me to go see the doctor. So I did.
The first lady (not The first lady, but the first nurse lady) came in and asked me the stupid questions and took my blood pressure and all that jazz. Then she left and I sat there forever waiting for the doctor to come in. He finally arrives and asks me the same exact questions that the other lady just asked me and then he asks me to "drop my shorts." His words, not mine. Then he sits on his little stool, eye level with my junk. Why must they sit eye level. I would much rather they stand up. Seriously, I could feel him breathing on it. It was very uncomfortable. So he sits there and stares at it for what feels like an eternity. I had this thought of smacking him between the eyes with it. Decided this was a bad idea, and continued to stand there awkwardly. Then all of a sudden, completely out of nowhere, he just back hands it right out of the way, like he was playing teather ball or something. And it hurt. I went there because I already had a pain in my wiener not because I wanted to have pain in it. I could get that at any playground for free. Then, naturally, it falls back to where it started. He grabbed it, quite fiercely I might add, and pins it against my right leg. Then he has to check the other side so he pins against the other leg. Then I am pretty sure that he started slapping my stomach with it. Seriously, the dude was just flipping it around like taffy. Then after he is done playing around he told me that I had epiditimits which is pretty much nothing. It's an inflammation of something inside of my supporting cast. Then he charged me 80 bucks. 80 bucks to feel me up. I also could have got that at the park for free. He then told me that I couldn't get a vasectomy in the future either. Darn, I was really looking forward to that part of my life. I felt violated. Still kinda do.
4 comments:
That was freaking hilarious. I was crying from laughing so hard. I am also 12, maybe that is why i find it funny.
I really had to try hard not to laugh while reading this at wor...on the bus. The situation wasn't funny but the way you told it was freakin hilarious. Did he at least give you some medication or something? See, this is why I refuse to go to the doctors for anything. My last doctor's visit was a decade ago. "You're sick, now pay me $100." Um, I know I'm sick, that's why I came, duh. Stupid doctors.
Oh boy...I laughed out loud by myself! This was funny, although I am sorry you had to go through it. That is also why I don't like to go to doctors. My last doctor visit I was in a lot of pain and he simply said to 'drink some water.' I didn't know water was such a good pain killer or I would have tried that before he cost me $150. Did your doctor give you any water after slapping you around? I hope so! You would have felt better.
Funny! Every! Time! I really should not read this at work because it's so difficult to keep the laughter in. And then everyone wonders why my eyes are watering.
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